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“If he’d tell a hetero boy to keep his door open, a gay boy should get the same message,” Schwartz says. In your case, DUD, you already know your son is gay-“Browsers don’t lie,” Schwartz says-and the fact that your son might be having sex in his room, thereby breaking Dad’s house rules, may rise to the level of “Are you gay or what?” For instance, if a not-yet-out gay kid is in crisis, or if a parent stumbles over evidence that a not-yet-out gay kid is doing something risky, a parent can and should go the “Are you gay or what?” route. Whenever possible, queer kids should be allowed to reveal their sexuality on their own timetable, Schwartz emphasizes, but there are times when a parent has to force the issue. In that middle ground between pushing and ignoring, his son might decide that his dad is safe to come out to.” Discuss issues like same-sex marriage and stories in the newspaper that bring up LGBT themes. “Instead of a direct confrontation-are you gay or what?-DUD could make gay issues a part of the day’s general conversation. “In an ideal world, Dad Under Duress would take a slow and roundabout way to encourage his son to come out to him,” says John Schwartz, a correspondent for the New York Times, a father of three, and the author of Oddly Normal: One Family’s Struggle to Help Their Teenage Son Come to Terms With His Sexuality. I’m swimming in unfamiliar waters here with no life vest. And if he’s not gay, I worry I could seriously damage our relationship and hurt his pride by suggesting he is. He’s a sensitive kid, and I worry he’d lie or resent me. But if my son were gay, I would have a different, stricter set of rules regarding male friends. Gomer is a nice kid, and I’ve met his parents. I have no specific knowledge that anything has happened between them. But a friendship with a guy isn’t sexual… unless it is. I’ve had the (straight) sex talk with my son, and he knows that I don’t want him to be sexually active yet. If Gomer were a girl, these things wouldn’t be allowed. Sometimes they’re here when I’m not, and often they’re alone together with the door closed. My son has a friend, let’s call him “Gomer”, who comes over often. And, truly, if my son is gay, while I won’t pretend it’d be no big deal and not require a bit of mental adjustment, I’d love him and support him fully.
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I have no problem with gay people and I support full equality for same-sex couples. I’ve found gay porn on his laptop (yes, I snoop I pay the bill and I’m his dad) he’s shown zero interest in girls and he has always been a tad effeminate, though I know that’s probably an unfair stereotype. Over the past year, however, I have become increasingly convinced that he is gay. Our relationship isn’t perfect-I work a lot and he’s a teenager, but no major issues. Overall, he’s a good kid: gets decent grades, rarely gets in trouble. I’ve raised him on my own, basically, since birth, with help from some good friends and nearby family. I’m a 37-year-old single father with a 14-year-old son.